Relive your terrible first kiss or fill out applications? Debatable which is worse…
If you’re headed for graduate school, you’re headed in the right direction. But grad school applications are hard. The entrance exams, the essays, the fees — they hurt. And while the applications are obviously important and worth it, there are still a lot of other painful things I’d rather be doing.
1. Listen to Nickelback for 10 minutes (anything longer and I’d rather be filling out applications).
2. Relive my first kiss, which only lasted two to three seconds but was dry and unsatisfying enough to leave a life-long impression. Even worse, we kissed twice. Her idea. The second one lasted a second or two longer.
3. Eat a whole habanero pepper in one bite. I did it once while working at a grocery store in Reno and had to leave the cash register for 30 minutes to recover, due to its extreme spiciness.
4. Get a canker sore.
5. Sneeze while on a date with a girl when I have no tissues available to take care of the situation.
6. Sit on an airplane during extreme turbulence.
7. Read and attempt to interpret the writings of world-renowned philosopher Martin Heidegger. It’s English but might as well be a different language — made me regret my philosophy minor.
8. Be rejected by Zooey Deschanel for a date (which requires her to talk to me, making it not a totally negative experience.)
9. Feel the symptoms of a hangover even though I didn’t drink anything the night before.
10. Drop some peanut butter M&Ms on the ground. This might seem minor but trust me, it’s truly tragic. It takes hours, if not days, to recover from such regret.
11. Get chased by a medium-sized dog, granted I escape to safety.
12. Relive the day I took the ACT. After bombing the four-hour-long exam because I was bad at timed tests, I went to my work to check my schedule. I wasn’t on it. They fired me. Worst day ever.
13. Eat something cucumber-flavored. There’s no taste I hate more in the world. Notice I said cucumber-flavored. I refuse to eat a whole cucumber unless my life depends on it.
14. Weather an attack by a herd of ants, even though I’m in a position to ultimately win the battle.
15. Talk trash about someone, only to find them standing right behind me the whole time. “Umm, I was talking about my other friend Tom who’s dating Stacy. … What, I haven’t introduced you to him yet?”
16. Miss one episode of How I Met Your Mother. I won’t compromise Breaking Bad.
17. Relive the time I broke up with a girl right before our movie plans, and she still wanted to see the movie. Most awkward movie experience ever.
18. Fall asleep fully clothed, teeth unbrushed and face unwashed. (You feel gross and out of place).
19. Meet Cher. I don’t know why, but that woman scares me. Something about her eyes or hair or something. Not only do I not believe in life after love when hearing her hit song Believe, I’m not even sure I believe in life, anymore. OK, that’s an exaggeration, but the song’s annoying.
20. Meet up with a girl from an online dating site, only to find she looks nothing like her photos. This has happened before. I refer to it as “having the angles.” Meaning, the person’s photos only show off certain angles, which end up being misleading.
21. Stay up for two and a half days (60 hours) straight. I did this when I was in grade school for a double-dog dare. Toward the end, you start questioning if your muscles work anymore and wondering if you can die from a lack of sleep.
22. Go snowboarding. I sold my snowboard for a reason. The pain versus pleasure ratio has always been discouraging.
23. Take friends to see a movie I picked out but haven’t yet seen. It’s always a gamble, isn’t it? If the movie is bad, your friends blame you, as if you wrote and directed the film and are the reason it was terrible, as if you could’ve foreseen it.
24. Get into a very minor car accident. No one gets hurt. There’s minimal to no damage to any of the cars. Just the extreme fear that comes when you get into any kind of accident.
25. Ask a woman how far along she is when she’s not pregnant. “I meant, umm, when are you due for … jury duty?”
While it’s easy to think of all the things you’d rather be doing instead of filling out grad school applications, try my approach. Think of the awful things you could be doing and remember one thing: The pain of filling out grad school applications is temporary. Memories of a botched first kiss last a lifetime.
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