Roberto, Philip Frank and Ali Fedotowsky appear on The Bachelorette.
Admittedly, I have a few guilty pleasures when it comes to TV. But the best of the worst in this category is undoubtedly The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Believe me, it’s not because I think you can find a spouse on TV or that there’s anything sane about dating 25 people at the same time (or worse yet being one of the 25).
It’s more because The Bachelor is like watching the most awesomely awkward train wreck of your entire life. You can’t look away during two-on-one dates. You cringe at the corny admittances of “love” after two weeks of “dating.”
Basically, you just can’t change the channel.
With that being said, after 24 seasons between The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, here are 10 things to avoid when searching for your soul mate, or as I like to call it: “How to Stay Single” (just imagine the Chris Harrison voiceovers).
1. State the obvious, as often as possible.
Better yet, have Chris Harrison state it for you (isn’t that why they pay him?). Certainly the best phrase to come out of The Bachelor franchise: “Ladies/Gentlemen, the final rose.”
I’m not entirely sure what the requirements for being on the show are, and while they’re probably not very stringent, I really hope they include being able to count past one.
2. Remember: Everything’s a symbol.
Did you ever notice that everything on The Bachelor has symbolic meaning? “No, Bachelor #17, this isn’t just a rose. It symbolizes our future together. Every petal is part of the journey blossoming into a beautiful love story and maybe even a garden of pure love and eternal sunshine and really opening up to one another”… anyone else feeling a little queasy?
3. Use the phrases “journey for love” and “I just have so much love to give.”
Mostly because these phrases only exist on semi-scripted reality dating shows… and in Celine Dion power ballads.
4. Don’t open up.
Who doesn’t love a good mystery?
Bottle up your emotions. Don’t tell us anything remotely revealing about yourself. Playing the mysterious card will get you to at least the third rose ceremony.
That is, until you get cut because your relationship just isn’t moving “as fast as the others.” And really, when you only have 32 days to fall in love, time’s ticking. Then again…
5. Talk about yourself… all the time.
Remember Mr. Mysterious from #4? Yeah, I guarantee you he’ll be sitting next to Chatty Kathy in the limo to the airport.
6. Talk about how much you’ve been hurt in the past.
Yes, Bachelorette #23. You are the only person who has ever had your heart broken/ been broken up with on Facebook/ is afraid of getting hurt/ [insert any other generic reason for being afraid of a relationship here]. My bad.
7. Bring as many people as possible on your dates.
I mean, “the more the merrier” is a phrase for a reason, right? Why bring just one person on a date when you could bring 18? Innovative stuff, ABC.
8. Enjoy only lavish, totally over-the-top dates.
I’m sure Emily Maynard always spontaneously flies to Croatia and has private Luke Bryan concerts with her 7-year-old daughter… not. Although, I am quite sure that she wears just as much glitter on the show as in real life.
9. Bring gifts.
Understandably, the only way to make it through the first rose ceremony is to have a shtick — and gifts are the easy answer. But in general, showering someone you hardly know with gifts can only signal one thing: a desperate plea at buying love and attention.
And while we’re on the subject of gifts, this whole handing out roses thing is getting old.
Personally (even as a female), roses would not be my idea of a cool handout… what are you going to do with it once it’s done symbolizing your continuation on this journey for love?
Especially for the dudes on “The Bachelorette,” who actually wants a rose? Skittles, mechanical pencils, bus tokens… anything would be more useful than a rose. Seriously.
[Cue Chris Harrison voiceover] Readers, it’s the final don’t…
10. If all else fails, cue the waterworks/rant/fit of rage.
Yes, because nothing turns on a potential suitor quite like emotionally instability (that goes for males and females). Probably the most sure fire way to end up in an episode of The Soup and/or be offered a spot on the next “Bachelor Pad” is to have an all-out mental breakdown in the limo on your way home.
There seems to be a little confusion, so let me clear this up: the limo is NOT private confessional time.
It’s ABC’s last chance to publicly humiliate you before you realize the horrible mistake you made in applying for a reality show in the first place.
Moral of the Story: If you’re actually looking for love (or to be employed ever again), stay as far away from The Bachelor franchise as humanly possible.
So, will you accept this list of how to stay single?
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