They say that dead men tell no tales. But dying men ask a lot of desperate questions. If you’re just now confronting the reality of final exams, there’s no quick fix advice to ensure a passing grade. The best you can do is study hard, sleep regularly, lay off the Four Loko, and avoid any of the following last minute inquiries:

1. “Complete sentences”? What for?

2. Instead of taking a test, can I summarize this class in a tweet?

3. Do you stamp your Blue Books, to prevent the possibility of pre-composed essays being smuggled into the test? Is it like a run-of-the-mill, A.C. Moore stamp, or something that you special order?

4. Are we doing teacher evaluations before or after this final?

5. May I be excused if there’s a natural disaster or a major political coup on the day of the test? What about globally?

6. Man, that is some beard — when did you start growing that thing!?

7. Why are finals always designed to measure how many random facts we can memorize? Don’t you care about our personal growth?

8. Ok, so ballpark figure… What would be the average of my current grade and zero?

9. Do you realize that my parents pay your salary?

10. Is this textbook still available at the bookstore?

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